This post is dedicated to our beloved PM David Wotsit, and his Education Minister, Wotsit Gove, who came up with the grand idea of asking schools to teach “British values”. Here are some pointers to get them started.
1) Watch Doctor Who. A lot. The new series, plus the entire back catalogue.
2) Better still, watch a lot of Doctor Who, then buy a Dalek.
3) Name the Dalek Gerald.
4) Complain about the rain.
5) Garden, a lot, when not doing 1) above.
6) Do 5) above, in the rain. Because, let’s face it, otherwise you’re not going to get much gardening done, are you?
7) Put sweetcorn on everything, for no discernible reason (see previous post “What’s With All the Sweetcorn?”)
8) If you’re polite, queue, a lot.
9) If you’re not very polite, shove, a lot.
10) The above point goes double if you’re in London, and trying to get on or off the Tube.
11) Speaking of London, don’t collapse in the street or on the pavement there if you can possibly help it.
12) If you must be taken ill in public, try and do it somewhere up North. It increases your odds of sympathy, not to mention survival.
13) If you, like me, believe that spelling is a good, good thing, set up a special jar in which you can start saving spare letter ‘U’s. You’re going to need them.
14) Eat chicken tikka masala, as that is Britain’s favourite dish. And it’s terribly, terribly British.
15) Drink lager. It may taste like gnat’s piss, but you did want to be British, didn’t you?
16) Eat chips.
17) Call them chips. Not fries, or french fries. Because, well, that would be just plain wrong.
18) If you go out on the piss, make sure to throw some coleslaw on the pavement, in the streets, in the plant pots, etc. Because if you don’t, you’re not doing it right.
19) Don’t go to church.
20) When asked about religion, say you’re C of E.
21) Or a Jedi.
22) Above all else, remember that this beautiful land which has spawned the BNP, EDL, English Dems and their unsavoury, stupid like has also given us Shakespeare, Churchill, Stephen Fry, David Bowie, fish and chips, Blackadder, the “little ships” of Dunkirk, and the finest combinations of tea and biscuits known to Mankind.
Stand tall. Share a cuppa and some bourbons or custard creams with your neighbours, whoever they may be, and wherever they may originate from. Twirl your brollies with pride, and salute the sun. It will shine, eventually.
23) Oh, and do 1) above.