Mash yourself a cuppa – it’s early, after all – grab a biscuit – yes, I know it’s early, but so what? – and off we go! Because reading my post-surgery pearls of wisdom is high up your to do list, approximately three points behind clearing the lint trap in your dryer. (1)
And we’re off! Starting, as is the weary old custom, at No. 1:
(1) Never, ever, try and clean your pet rat’s cage by yourself, two or three days after surgery, especially if you have a partner, other relative, or lodger in the house. And especially if you had a lymph node biopsy (so, surgery under the same arm as where they chopped into your breast). You will regret it.
(2) Never whack your poorly boob into a kitchen cabinet: not even if you’re just walking, & not running. It won’t thank you for it, not one whit.
(3) If you want a momento of how lovely and blue your poorly boob is, ask your partner / trusted friend (2) to take it sooner, rather than later. Because that dye will fade.
(4) FYI, whilst the blue dye will fade, it won’t disappear overnight. So if your favourite colour isn’t blue, but turquoise, just wait a little longer. But not too long.
(5) People will feel sorry for you, so do take advantage of that: eg, fetching you tea, buying you cake, mopping the floor, etc.
(6) Don’t push it, though. Otherwise, you may end up spending years mashing everyone else’s tea, buying them all buns, & mopping more floors than you’ve had hot baths.
(7) Yes, white surgical stockings are a pain to take off, put on, wash, & wear, and they make even 22-year-olds look like they’re 105. They are preferable to having thrombosis, though.
(8) Do not, if you can possibly help it, return to work three days after surgery. You will be tired; you will regret it.
(9) You will also be extremely cranky.
(1o) If your cat comes to the kitchen door making a really weird noise, don’t open that door. Just don’t. Because he probably has a rodent in his gob, and you may end up picking up small feet off the carpet for the next few weeks.
(11) No, I don’t suppose this ^ has anything to do with early stage breast cancer surgery per se, but you’ll have enough on your plate without having to deal with the more yucky aspects of having a cat around the house.
(12) Try not to fret too much about your results. No, I haven’t had mine yet. I am trying to put them out of mind. I am trying. Very trying, some say.
(13) If you’re one of those poor fools who went to work too soon after surgery – see (8) above – keep in mind that even after you’ve been back a week or more, you’ll probably reach a point where you look at your desk, and think, “I could just go to sleep on my desk now.”
(14) Don’t go to sleep on your desk. Nothing to do with surgery, mate: but you’ll probably get the sack.
(15) Do join a union, just in case.
(16) No more questions? Then I’m off to make pancakes.
(1) No, I don’t own a dryer, being entirely too environmentally friendly/financially challenged to do so. There’s one at work, though.
(2) As in, trusted not to post pictures of your blue booby on the internet.