You pick it up like cigarette or a mint,
roll it round in your fingers try the heft of it
try on the accent like a cap feel it slip
don’t you ecky thump me you dumb ass thick git
I have worn my flat cap, I have seen
the smiles which we provoke,
you in your cap, me in me cap.
Shall I get a duffle coat
to wrap this foreign body in?
Or, if an anorak, shall I be forced
to spot trains, not merely ride in them?
Dare I eat a gooseberry?
Dare I pronounce it?
I practice my “ooo” sounds
like some run round ragged rocks.
Say them now: Duke, tulip,
The next person to mention
Trump, Vietnam, The Deer Hunter,
Laredo, will get a clip right up yo’ head
Oh, bring me me flat cap,
a bit o’ black pudding!
I shall carry white roses.
I shall drink my beer strong,
my tea weak!
The fish shall lay down
with the chip,
with the up.